Zoo

Oh man, Saturday was so much fun. I went to the zoo with my dad; And even though it was cold as anything, I enjoyed watching all the monkeys and tigers. But the all-time best animal ever is: The Otter. Yep, I love otters, they're like the clowns of the animal kingdom; And I saw them in all their silliness that day. So damn adorable. So yeah, I used that time to bond with my dad, talked about the good ol' days, and then stopped by Tomlinson's to grab a bite to eat. Perfect day? So far. Then later on in the day, I visited some family members that I haven't seen in a long time, and cousins that I didn't recognize at all (Yep, literally didn't know them lol). Anyway, went with my cousins to grab another bite to eat, only this time is was in a pizza parlor on Madison Ave. We hung out and had a good time. I wanted to take pictures of my family, but at the last minute the camera wasn't working. And get this, later on in the night after I left, the camera was working again. But I overall had a good day. Perfect day? Not so much. Happy day? You bet it was :-)

Perfect Friend

So yesterday in therapy, the therapist spoke to all us women about friendship. We spoke of how most of us imagine the perfect friendship or the perfect relationship, when in reality that is not so. We all had a piece of paper and described what our ideal friendship would be; All of us had radical ideas of the perfect friendship. As we read our responses, we all realized that our expectations were way out there. No one is perfect, so why is it that we have to limit ourselves to expectations that are unreal? There are good people out there despite their flaws; As we are.

But, there's another side to this predicament. Perhaps perfection has nothing to do with the best attitude or the kindest, sweetest person on the planet. Perhaps perfection is admitting to your faults and still being a kind, sweet person.

I can see my ideal friendship in that way, I'm not asking for someone that will never be mad at me (God knows that's almost impossible in my case), I'm asking for someone that will be there for me even if they're pissed. I want a friend that will empower me, be honest with me, care about me even when the going gets tough. I want a friend who will have me in a special part of their lives; comfort me when I'm sad. I want a friend that knows how to apologize if they ever hurt my feelings. I want a friend that can be open with me about their life. And I'm sure I will give that person vice versa in return.

That is an ideal friendship, heck even an ideal relationship; Someone that sticks with you through the good and the bad; And who no matter what happens, will never leave your side.

This is a true friend.

Feel Good Pill

So this past week I had an amazing experience in therapy and the people are awesome. I feel that I can open up to these people honestly and share my feelings without worrying about anyone judging me. We meet for three hours, and every hour is separated into different sessions with different therapists. One sessions that I especially took a liking to was the Mind, Body and Spirit. It's an art therapy session in which I along with the other women in my group express ourselves and let out our "inner demons" through creativity. Although this week we expressed ourselves with speech rather than art, It was promised that next week we'll get started on our arts and crafts rendevous. So anyway, I was prescribed a medication called Lamictal; and I have to admit, I'm starting to feel the effects of the medicine already. My attitude towards everything is changing little by little, I feel a bit more social, and things are just basically looking good to me. I feel better than I have in a very long time. I nicknamed my medicine the "Feel Good Pill", because that's exactly what it does lol. I feel good, and I'm sure now that I'm on the road to recovery.

Love Yourself

As I sit here on my computer on this fine, brisk morning, I stumble upon a video by Chris Crocker (If anyone doesn't know who she is, she's the infamous Britney Spears fan). The video is entitled "Codependency"; and quite frankly, it speaks to me. Chris addressed the issue on how some women can't stand to be by themselves and how they're constantly dating people for the sake of not being alone. I agree wholeheartedly that this is indeed an issue amongst young women (I'll admit that at one point in my life I had this issue as well). There's a need within all us women to have someone special by our side, but at what cost ladies? Temporary psychological happiness? What if he leaves you? For the physical needs? What if he gives you AIDS?

Oh man, I always used to have a boyfriend. I had to make sure that when I broke up with someone, I would have someone to fall back on. It was like a rebound game hoping that one of these guys would catch me and hold me tight forever. I used to put up with so much shit from these guys, forgive them for things that I know I shouldn't stand for, just to have someone around. Well, lo and behold, after such a game I realized that all these guys bailed on me. I realized then that before I can commit to someone, I have to learn to love myself first. I have to spend time with myself, learn from myself, and be with myself and only myself for a time. And it's funny, because last summer I followed this process and became much happier and content with myself. I stayed single for a while until an ex of mine wanted a second chance. I took the chance thinking that perhaps things will be different; but alas, things were worse than ever. Only this time, I took the initiative to end the relationship; Because I learned that I didn't have to put up with people's selfish antics just so that I won't be alone. I deserve to have someone that'll be truthful to me, and include me in their "circle", not to have me there like a china doll in a mahogany dresser. Now I'd much rather be alone than with someone that doesn't make me happy.

For the time being, I'm enjoying being by myself, with myself, loving myself. This is exactly what every woman should do, that is, until a prince charming walks into your life.

Intensive Counseling

So this upcoming week starts off with a brand new routine that I'm going to follow for the next three weeks: Intensive Counseling (Well, my therapist called it "Intensive Therapy"; don't know if there's a difference or not.) The group I'm attending is an "All Latino Group" for primary Spanish speakers, which I don't know why I'm there because even though I speak Spanish it doesn't necessarily mean that Spanish is my first language. I don't know, I guess my psychiatrist got me all wrong on that one. The group is an "All Women Group", So I'm dealing with "All women, All Latina" just like me, so I guess I won't feel too weird if there's people like me in the group. I just hope that it's not too boring, since I'll be there from 9 a.m. to 12 p.m. Since I don't know exactly what goes on in intensive counseling, I'm imagining just sitting there talking about my feelings for three hours and that's boring :P. I just hope it's like the gear up program that I went to 4 years ago, now that was fun and therapeutic. We talked about our feelings for a bit, and we expressed out feelings as well with an art therapy session that lasted an hour (mind you the gear up sessions lasted 3 hours as well). There was always nourishment available, and we always engaged in different group activities. It was awesome.

But anyway, this whole group thing that my psychiatrist got me into is something that I hope is going to help me in the long run.

(BTW in case anyone is wondering why I go to therapy in the first place, it's because I suffer from severe depression.)

Love

So today I hung out with my ex boyfriend, we laughed, ice skated; pretty much had a good time. I can say that my feelings for him are still there; But as far as a relationship with him goes, I know that it would never work. We would be in this enchanted Nirvana-like state at first, then it would be a bland relationship afterwards. Some of you are probably thinking "Well, if you guys really love each other then you would make your relationship work." I've got news for ya, love doesn't necessarily have to mean a full blown relationship. " Love is such a complicated emotion and comes in many different varieties. My situation just happens to be a part of the whole shabang of love varieties. I mean, he's a good guy and all; but there are just some things that I know I can't tolerate (Don't want to go into details on that department). But to be perfectly honest, I like us as friends, and I wouldn't want it any other way. I know that one day I'll be with Mr. Right and he'll want to meet him, I'll do the same when he gets a girlfriend too. I know that no matter where our lives takes us we'll always be friends.

Truthism and DMT

So yeah I was browsing Extraterrestrial sites and came across this site called Truthism.com, and let me add my opinion in that this site is pretty twisted. The web owner claims that our planet along with the entire universe is a dark, satanic incarceration run by Reptilian Overlords. I had no idea how someone could concoct such an elaborate story unless they had a hyperactive imagination. I mean, the person that wrote this site bragged about how stupid the human race is because of our ignorance to this mass illusion placed by this Reptilian Race (known as the Annunaki by the Ancient Sumerian civilization). Heck, the guy even added that women are the cause of the "stunted growth" of International Awareness. So in any case, I looked at some sites that this web page was affiliated with and came across an interesting site that had information of a powerful psychedelic called Dimethyltryptamine or "DMT" for short. This drug, when smoked, has a potency that lasts at most 10 to 20 minutes but has the most profound effect of any psychedelic drug known to man. The most interesting thing about this drug is that it is not only found in exotic plants such as Mimosa hostilis but can also be traced in the human body as well when the individual is born, dreams, and is dying. People under the influence of this drug report a "spiritual awakening" and an "awakened consciousness". I learned that this psychedelic is in no way addictive and creates trips that, by those that have experienced DMT, to be absolutely real. People who are under the influence of DMT report seeing a symphony of geometric shapes and lights along with "Beings" that vary from Shamans and Elves to...yep, you guessed it: Reptilian creatures. So I came to a stunning conclusion. Perhaps this drug is what influenced the writer at Truthism.com to write his views according to his/her DMT experience. Now, whether the individual's experience is a reality on a different dimension is something I can't say. For me to give a legitimate opinion, I'd have to try DMT; But I'm pretty sure that all those who experienced DMT didn't "hallucinate" similar experiences by coincidence.

Till next time

Spirituality

(Before you read I must note that I have respect for other people's beliefs and have no intent on bashing anyone's view on religion or any type of spirituality or absence of spirituality)

I can recall many times that I encountered different religious people throughout my life. I grew up in an evangelical household 'till I was around 10 years old. My family has always had set views of God and Religion, but even as a little girl I was never really satisfied with just that. I had this gut feeling that there had to be more to "God" than what a 2000 year old book had to say about it. I always had this fear that if I ventured out of that belief system, then I would go to hell. But, as I got older I decided to do my own research on several religions (although I still had this hell fear). I learned a bit on different Christian groups such as Jehovah's Witnesses, Methodists, Baptists, Anglicans; I did a bit of research on Catholicism, Hindu, Buddhism, Judaism, and so forth. I didn't learn much from each religion, just a few basics. I learned that most of these religions had basic similarities, "Love God, Love yourself, Respect yourself and others, Live a holy life" The messages were so clear, just in different guidelines.

I'll admit, there were indeed times that I went back to Evangelism a few times (Most recently summer of 2007), but I always felt something was missing. I realized that in my perspective the issue of "God" wasn't the problem, but how God was personified in various religious views. What I learned in my experience is that I can't commit to the views of religion. I can commit to those simple guides that religion offers, but the strict guidelines just didn't fit my lifestyle or my personal beliefs. But at the same time, I had my questions as to who or what "God" is, or even if "God" exists. This is where Agnosticism came to play in my life. I didn't want to be a full blown atheist and I didn't want to be a full blown theist. I felt that my beliefs didn't sit well with both ideologies, kind of like they drifted to the side. Then, I did a little research on Agnosticism; and finally something sat well with me. Agnosticism acknowledges that there's a possibility for theists as well as atheists to be right/wrong; Agnosticism acknowledges every possibility of anything and everything in terms of the mortality of us as human beings. Perhaps we may solve the puzzle of God, perhaps not, but I accept it either way and don't limit the possibilities by lack of evidence or what a religious doctrine has to say. But at the same time, I respect that others have their beliefs, I respect that others have different views on things and are probably reading this blog and saying, "What the heck is wrong with this girl?" lol, but hey it's all good, whatever your beliefs are, Theist or Atheist, whatever you feel most comfortable with is all that matters.

Epiphany Anyone?

I came across a sudden thought as I was editing my site:

Is it possible to have many epiphanies? Or is there only ONE true epiphany that one can have that completely alters their sense of reality altogether?

I'm pondering on this thought right now as I'm typing this, because I recall many times that I have had an "epiphany". My thoughts, my beliefs were all rewired as soon as I had it, and my perception on things would change drastically.

If anyone has had such experiences, feel free to type your epiphany/ies

Issues

Does anyone have a moment in your life that you wish that everything that existed would just disappear? Of course. Well, this is one of the very things that I'm feeling right now. I wish I would disappear so I wouldn't have to deal with life; or that everything that made me feel inferior would just disappear off the face of existence (Unfortunately, according to physics it is impossible for information to be completely lost in this universe :/). But hey, maybe it's a good thing that it's physically impossible that things can't just be annulled from existence. I know for sure that later I'll be just fine, because this feeling that I have is just a feeling and nothing more.

Mmm, nothing like a warm expresso in the morning...